August 10, 2017 . Main Journal
So today begins my new life. Or more like the end of my old life. Life how I knew it. Things will be a lot different now. It’s both terrifying and exhilarating.
I’m sitting on my balcony at 6 am. Smoking a real morning cigarette, with the sun rising up slowly, the birds chirping and planes soaring by. I can clearly see the birds who chirped. I never noticed them before. The smell of gas from the cars in the parking lot below is so strong. I feel anxiety. The anxiety that comes with new found freedom.
You see, I spent months struggling with my sadness and anger towards the world and people. I wanted to die. To end my suffering. Because I truly believed no one cared. That I was a burden to everyone. No one really liked me.
I spent two weeks obsessively thinking of ways to end my life. I overdosed on pills, then chickened out. I made a noose out of fashionable scarves, then fell asleep before making the leap. By the time I was ready for my third and final attempt everyone felt it. My friends contacted my family and on August first my life was saved. I would be changed forever.
On August first, my family lead by my best friend Steph arrived at my door. I was mid-blunt in a dark apartment filled with cigarette smoke. Having given up on life I found everything almost comical at that point.
I watched as my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and Steph came down the hall towards me. I knew what was about to happen. And out of fear of the unknown I slammed the door in their faces and bolted the locks. After an exchange of which side of the locked door would call the cops first – I let them in. It was the end of life as I knew it. People cared. I wasn’t ready, but the band-aid was ripped off for me.
After an hour discussing my hatred towards life, my mental health, and the fact that I deserve better, I was whisked away to a mental intake facility.
For a week and one day, my life was turned upside down. My freedom was stripped away. And because people valued my life and I didn’t, I was put on suicide watch. I had finally hit bottom. The point I think I subconsciously prepared for. I was crazy. I was in a mental ward.