June 30, 2018 . Main Journal
Sitting on my balcony listening to King Without a Crown. At noon I texted Craig asking him to make an effort. To show me someone cared about me. He played the same dirty trick on me he did two weeks ago. Today I told him to come speak to me face-to-face. I’m tired of men not taking me seriously. I’m tired of not being worth the effort.
It’s about 4:20 (teehee) and I’ve heard nothing from Craig. About four and a half hours later. He lives fifteen minutes away. Go figure, someone else who is too busy to make time to ease my mind.
I spent the past four hours watching CoCo and showering, and alternating between cigs, joints and cups of coffee. Aside from the breakfast I made for George before he left, I’ve only had a bag of brownie muffins.
I’m going on one pack a day these days. Boy am I stressed. I suppose I’m less depressed and anxious, but still mopey and paranoid nonetheless. I’m on my second-to-last smoke. I play this game with myself and force myself to go outside and leave my apartment by going to the bodega.
I’m running out of money though. Between the bud, smokes and shows I’m down to my last five dollars. I offered Craig a Lyft to my place. Good thing he didn’t accept (he was with Alice) now I have bud to smoke.
I’ve been on the balcony most of the day. Taking breaks to burn, feel some AC and drink something cold. Other than coffee.
Anyway, I’m going to try and not contact Craig until I’m back from my bodega run. Take a walk to clear my mind.
I miss him. I hope he comes.