July 5, 2018 . Main Journal
I begged. I begged for almost a month now. I’ve officially gone full circle in a year. Right where I started. This time I have no one else to blame but myself. When my parents last “came to my rescue” in the middle of the night, my Mom tried to blame my therapist. But this time I think my therapist is great. And even my psychiatrist as hokey as she is, is great. They’re helpful. Great at their jobs. I’m just a lost cause.
One year later and I’m still suicidal. I’m even burning myself now. My last episode over Craig and Alice made me so angry I wanted to hurt someone so bad I turned to myself.
They’re vicious bullies. Everyone just dismisses me and my feelings so quickly. They assume they know me. I’m just a crazy chick. They just run and move on without looking back.
Why should I continue this fight to live if whenever I come close to loving someone it scares them off? Will I just be alone forever? Is this my path? If it is – well then I want out!
I’m tired of always being angry.
I’m tired of crying and screaming.
I’m tired of hurting and faking smiles.
I’m tired of trying to get through the day.
I’m tired of stalking to find out the dirty truth.
I’m tired of being blocked and ignored.
I’m tired of just being a lay with a great ass.
I’m tired of hating this life.
I’m just fucking tired of it all.
But I’ll keep trying.